fifteen of ten.

This year was spent listening to Colbie Caillat and Sara Bareilles, getting to know my nephew better, falling in love with Kenya and veterinary medicine. This year I grew closer to my sister, met amazing people that I will spend the next four years becoming veterinarians with, and establishing a life of independence. I've learned that I am a free spirit with a stroke of neuroticism here and there, but with a deep love of laughing. I moved in with a truly wonderful woman who pushes me and encourages me to be the best version of myself. This year was absolutely amazing.

Top 15 Moments of 2010

15) Finishing my first sudoku...leading to a very bad habit
14) Spring break in Snohomish and Bellingham
13) Turning 21 with one heck of a party and loads of 90s outfits
12) Acting as CRU weekly meeting student producer
11) Ran my very first race...leading to a love/hate relationship with running
10) Bowling after our first round of vet school finals
9) Girl's Nights
8) Ringing in the new year to the sound of Page CXVI
7) Vising NYC
6) Living with Hannah Balash
5) The birth of Addison Crites
4) Every second spent in Kenya
3) Moving in with Allyssa
2) Falling in love with Kenya
1) Falling in love with veterinary medicine

I can't wait to see what 2011 has in store!

always. always.

learning.

Sometimes I get tired of learning life lessons.
Sometimes I feel like there is a person inside of me dying to get out...but I don't know how to let her fly.
Sometimes I just want to be.

I get exhuasted by "growing" and I often wish that I could go through one season of my life without becoming more adult. Last year it was going through my first big break up, this summer it was Kenya, and now...vet school is just one learning curve ball after another. Both academically and socially/spiritually etc.

Bits of me are jealous of the old me, the one that lived in the comfort of my CRU "Christian bubble" where being a Christian was seamless and making friends came easily. Deep conversations weren't scarce, and drama was non-existent. Sure I was having rough patches (and learning), but in many ways life was easy. Hindsight is always 20/20 huh? But then there's the other part of me that is so thankful for the position I'm in. The things I'm studying, the friends I'm making, the woman I'm becoming.

Is the grass truly always greener? Or is that a mindset that we humans have as default, but can be overcome?

bad news: growing up, you learn things about this world you don't like. People tell me I'm not bitter yet, but give it time and I will be.

good news: I refuse to believe them.

------
on another note: I've read three books a part of a series called "The Friday Night Knitting Club, and I dearly wish to learn to knit.

Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience.

Colossians 3:12

uterine milk may be the most disgusting thing I've ever heard of.

tradition :)

Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade...A Curtis Family Tradition :)

I am thankful for: God and His Son, Jesus. Family. Friends. My education. Dogs. Kenya. Freedom. Snow. Fall. Scarves. Hand turkeys. Dexter. Laughter. CRU. Sunrises. A new matress. Free long distance. Parades. Roommates. Cocoa. Mexican food. Giraffes. Lady Gaga. Girl's Nights. Picture messaging. Tea. The ocean. The butterflies. Mittens. Trees. Books. Blankets. Mountains.

I am a thankful lady.

dorothy said it best.

There's no place like home.

I've been home for less than 24 hours now and already I feel myself starting to smile more, starting to be calmer. Even having energy to study a bit. Going to bed at 830 was nice last night.

I'm all but stranded inside my house due to the snow, which is a little frustrating because I badly hoped to shop this week, especially with the upcoming christmas season and needing to get presents for my loved ones in Pullman. But at the same time, I'm enjoying being stranded.

Lord of the Rings. Cocoa. Reading. Treadmill. Laundry. Baking. Sleeping. Playing w/ the dogs. Shopping. Mom-time. That's what my break shall consist of. (Though anatomy and histo need to be squeezed in here and there).

My only prayer is that my friends and family planning to travel this week arrive at their destinations safely, and return safely as well. Good luck to all the people who have yet to conquer the pass!

it never fades.

The other day we had a lecture about emergency animal rescue and she kept showing us images of her work at the World Trade Center Ground Zero.

I still can't think about that day without my pulse racing and a deep sadness coming over me.
To the victims of 9/11...you will never be forgotten. Your families will never stop being in my prayers.

five days...

stand between me and vacation.

Monday: gym. class. class. class. counseling. lab. study. study. study w/MNF?
Tuesday: gym? lab. study. quiz. study.
Wednesday: gym. exam. lab. study. quiz. lab.
Thursday: gym. lab. study? class. class. classssssssss.
Friday: lab. pray for cell phys to be cancelled. class? play with pigs with the boys.

vacation!

Okay week 13...let's get this party started!

monster.

Apparently girl's night had quite an effect on me.

aka the biggest bruise of my life.

aka "the monster".

girl's night.

A total success.

Thank you ladies for being a part of a very much needed night of drinks and dancing :)

current obsessions.

modern family.
creamy southwest ranch dip.
scarves (always.)

rain.

Let the Rain by Sara Bareilles

I wish I were pretty. I wish I were brave.
If I owned this city, I'd make it behave.
And if I were fearless, and I'd speak my truth,
The world would hear this.
That's what I wish I'd do.

If my hands could hold them, you'd see,
I'd take all these secrets in me,
and I'd move and mold them to be
something I'd set free.

I wanna darken in the skies,
Open the flood gates up,
I wanna change my mind,
I wanna be in love.
I want the water in my eyes,
I wanna cry until the end of time.
I wanna let the rain come down, make a brand new ground.
Let the rain come down, make a brand new ground.
Let the rain come down tonight.

Hold onto worry, so tight.
It's safe in here right next to my heart.
I'm gonna shout to the top of my voice:
Let me go, let me out, this is not my choice!
And I always felt it before,
That the world was filled with much more
Than the drowning soul I've learned to be,
I just need the rain to remind me.

I wanna darken in the skies,
Open the flood gates up,
I wanna change my mind,
I wanna be in love.
I want the water in my eyes,
I wanna cry until the end of time.
I wanna let the rain come down, make a brand new ground.
Let the rain come down, make a brand new ground.
Let the rain come down tonight.

kind of petrified.

The two things in life I most want to be are the two things I am feeling so unsure of.

1) A veterinarian
2) A wife/mother

I know that trusting God's plan provides comfort and strength. And those are two things I so desparately need right now, but I'm having a hard time.

Vet school...you terrify me.

learning.

I’ve decided that two of the hardest lessons we, as women, will ever have to learn is:
1) How to guard your heart
2) How to love who God made you to be.

Both lessons I’m not super great at learning. How do you find the balance between putting yourself out there and allowing yourself to love and be loved, to be vulnerable, and not giving too much of yourself? God calls us to guard our hearts, but dang it if it isn’t the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. Luckily, I don’t have to do it alone. ”And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” Phillipians 4:7
That verse gives me comfort, because frankly, I really don’t have the faintest idea how to guard my heart.

Learning to love the woman God made me to be…well that’s also quite the challenge. I’ve been really struggling with this lately. A few weeks ago I found out that two of my girl friends have been talking negatively about me behind my back. To say that stung is an understatement. After that I started to get very insecure in my friendships and starting to second guess my character. Since then I’ve been trying to get back to God. To remember that my validation is in Him alone. Not in others.

I’m learning that I am a woman who likes to show love through baking. A woman who loves to decorate, and is pretty good at it. A woman with a heart for Africa and its cows and people and wildlife. I’m a woman who loves to laugh, is outgoing, and can be overwhelming to the introverts in her life. I’m a woman who loves to make others laugh, is afraid of spiders, loves to watch football (even if she doesn’t understand it all), and processes her day in an outward fashion. I’m a woman who tries to be a free spirit, but when it comes to test time, I just can’t help but get overly stressed and have mini-meltdowns. I’m a woman who loves fall and everything associated with it. I’m a woman who over analyzes, thinks about the future probably a little too much, and has a hard time trusting. I’m a woman who loves dramatic tv shows (such as Dawson’s Creek and Gossip Girl), sings in the car always, and has weird favorites (such as favorite pre-historic mammal). A woman who is excited to someday be a wife and mother. I’m learning that who I am is who I was made to be. Does that even make sense?

Taking one day at a time…learning.

Surviving the Sunburn.

15 July 2010

Well…my sore throat is gone finally. It’s been replaced with a runny nose and a constant foggy feeling, but that I can handle. I mean it could be worse. My bug bites are definitely healing and I have no new ones as far as I can tell. And the sunburn…well the sunburn has basically kept me in my room all yesterday. I mean, vacation is all about relaxing right? So that’s what I’ve been doing, “relaxing”. Don’t get me wrong, I’m super happy to be here, and quite frankly the snorkeling was amazing so it’s gotta be worth it right? And if I’m going to have a really bad sunburn and a cold it’s better that I have the ability to sleep all day rather than have to go to work. It just kind of stinks that I’m missing the latter part of my vacation due to a really dumb oversight.

I’m really nervous about my long flights. As of right now I can’t really lay or lean back on my back so long flights could be really really uncomfortable. And we’re only going to be in London for little over a day and I don’t want to miss that because I am sick and can’t move. Oh and today I was supposed to get my complimentary massage…that’s so not going to happen now. So yeah, it’s a big bummer that I got sunburnt. But I’m really trying my best to keep my chin up and still enjoy my time in Kenya.

I can’t believe I leave Kenya tomorrow.

Snorkeling, Solicitation, and Sunburns.

13 July 2010

Today kind of marked the end of my vacation. This morning mom and I went out on the glass bottom boat and I had my first underwater safari. I saw starfish, sea anemone, sea cucumbers, sting ray, and so much beautiful coral. It was absolutely beautiful. Then we went over to the sand bar and walked around as our guide pointed things out like sea spiders and soft coarl. We saw a GIANT dead clam’s shell too. It was so big.

However, as we returned the usual men all over the beach trying to sell you anything from a boat ride to key rings harassed us. To be honest, Mombasa would be beautiful and perfect were it not for the men swarming the beach. So I got stopped by one of these men on my walk back up to the hotel and guess what he was selling? Himself. Yeah, that’s right, a male prostitute tried to sell himself to me. He wanted to “meet up later.” When I said no he said “Why not? You’re old enough.” Gross. It was so uncomfortable. What a vacation.

The rest of the day I spent peacefully by the pool with the breeze from the ocean rolling gently over me. I lathered myself up with sunscreen and read and slept and swam. Sipped a delicious pina colada and loved my life. Little did I know that my lack of sunscreen during snorkeling would ruin my day.

That’s right, it didn’t even occur to me that my back would be out of the water when I went snorkeling, therefore…I now have a killer sunburn on my back.Over 20 new bug bites on my legs. A sore throat/cold. A killer sunburn. This is the best vacation EVER!

World Cup.

11 July 2010

Spain 1-0 Netherlands. Boo.

I couldn’t help but wish I was with the SFS staff watching the finals instead of all the strange European tourists I was surrounded by. Daniel got me into the World Cup, it would have been fun to watch the final with him. But again, watching it made me feel a little connection to the staff. Like I knew we were both watching the same game at the same time. Sentimental, I know, but it was nice to have that small connection. I think the World Cup did its job though; it brought people from all across the world together for one common interest. It bonded people and I can’t begin to count all the people I’ve met or grown close to by sitting down together watching soccer. So way to go FIFA. :)

Welcome to Tanzania...oops.

10 July 2010

This morning was absolutely perfect. We woke up at 5am and got ready to go on a sunrise hot air balloon ride.

None of us had ever been on a hot air balloon before and what better way to do your first hot air balloon ride than over the beautiful landscapes of Masai Mara, Kenya? J.P., our pilot, was amazing. Very skilled and quite funny as well. The balloon ride was so peaceful and beautiful. The impala didn’t like the balloon much, the topi didn’t much mind, and we even saw a lion in the road. We started to cross over into Tanzania and we were about to land-just over the border, when J.P. noticed how rocky the field was and he decided not to land there. Then we hit what ballooners call a “wall of air” that slowed us down considerably so we had to give it more gas again, as a result we ended up further into Tanzania. We finally landed and the wildebeest were EVERYWHERE. There’s something about Tanzanian land that is sweeter to the wildebeest. While we waited, hoping to not be arrested, I spotted a hyaena with a kill in its mouth. It’s things like that that really make the moments here cool. Like when we saw the large adult male lion feeding on wildebeest. It’s really just cool to watch all of this happen.

Rafiki

8 July 2010

I really miss the staff from NPS but it is getting better. Perhaps because I texted Moses and Nickson today, and talked to Daniel on the phone.

However, at Amboseli , I made quite a few friends. Kennedy and John in particular became buddies of mine, so to speak. Small world- Kennedy knows Daniel, Kiringe, Okello, and Shem! It made me so happy to meet him because I felt a little closer to the staff I miss and love. John is a pastor who asked me, when he found out that I was from the states, if I would help him track down an American study Bible he’s been hoping to get. We became fast friends and watched World Cup together. I think the World Cup is an amazing thing, because all of the staff members I got to know were because I was the one guest who wanted to watch the Netherlands vs. Uruguay game. So all of them got to know me as the girl who watches the football. Especially the hotel manager. He even went looking for me last night to take me to the conference room to watch the game.

We’ve been blessed with really good game drivers too. I talked to our new driver, Oromat, today in Maasai Mara. He’s originally from the Nairobi area so he was familiar with Kitengela :)

The view from our room is stellar and I love this park quite a lot already. Looking forward to the next few days. Oh, and I met the wife of our hot air balloon pilot. She was on the plane sitting in front of me on the way from Nairobi to here. We chatted quite a lot since she’s from BC Canada. I’m making connections all over the place, it’s so much fun :)

Holy Elephants!

6 July 2010

Amboseli is amazing. It kicks NNP’s butt!

After lunch we had some down time in the room before our first game drive as a family, and down time is no good for a girl like me. I was bored, restless, and above all…sad. I started to ache for NPS, the staff, and my classmates. Especially Brenna. I was nervous about going on a game drive without Brenna or Jay by my side. I’ve literally never been on a game drive without one or both of them. I shared with my mom about the amazing people I lived with for the last month and how much they changed my life and how much I miss them. It is weird to be in Kenya without them. Without Jay, Brenna, Erica, any of the staff. It is hard to be a tourist too. I’m not used to being waited on, and I have a sort of guilt or something. I’m trying to relax and be a tourist.

Then we left for our game drive. We saw the usual, zebra, tommies, etc. But then we saw our first herd of wild elephants. I had yet to see wild elephants, and it was amazing. Then, we saw 8 lions! Then hyaenas! Then more elephants! More lions! Lion cubs! Flamingoes! Crown Crane EVERYWHERE! I will never see elephants and not think of Brenna, nor ibis. I will never see crown crane without thinking of Jay. I’m so glad to have them with me in that way while I experience this with my family. It is also a blessing to see how the knowledge I’ve gained from my month-long course is useful. I’m able to spot, observe, and identify animals for my parents. I was able to explain some of the conflicts with the wildlife and also told them about Maasai culture. We really did learn so much in the last 30 days. I’m so lucky. So so lucky. But I still need more practice being a tourist.

A String of Kwaheris.

6 July 2010

Today I parted ways with NPS, the staff, and my friends. Saying goodbye to the camp wasn’t as hard this morning because I’d basically done that last night with Brenna. We went up the hill and watched the sun set and had an amazing conversation. That girl is really very special. And this morning when we left it was pitch black out, so it wasn’t as though I could really take in the goodbye. Then I said goodbye to Charles and Moses. It too wasn’t as hard mostly because there was so much commotion that my heart couldn’t dwell on that for too long. Though I can already feel myself missing Moses and Charles, but mostly Daniel. Then, the worst, I had to say goodbye to my classmates and Brenna. That was hard, I couldn’t even watch Brenna walk away. Kara, Victoria, Elise, and Evan made me cry too, dang them! I was really lucky with the friends I met. I already miss Jay and Brenna more than I can tell. Finally, after much waiting with Ian, Olivia and Erica, I spotted my dad walking toward me. I gave him a huge hug and started to tear. It was great to see him. And so one chapter of my life in Kenya ended, and my vacation with family began. Off to Amboseli!

The First Kwaheri.

5 July 2010

Daniel left today. It was the first of many goodbyes, and guess what? I still don’t like goodbyes. Not that I expected to magically like them, especially to those whom I’ve come to care about quite a lot. We had our program debrief and it went pretty well I thought. Okello, of course, sort of made me cry with all of his talk about how much this program has meant to the staff and how much it will mean to us for the rest of our lives. Then Daniel left. That sparked a whole bunch of sadness about leaving. I escaped up the hill to sit by myself for awhile and start saying goodbye to this place that has felt more like a home to me than many of the places I’ve lived. I’ll miss the vervet monkeys who run around stealing our food all the time. I’ll miss the sound of the Ibis laughing at us all. I’ll miss the superb starlings hopping around all of the time. Heck, I’ll even miss the outdoor shower and maybe even the pulsating butt bugs…maybe not. This place has become a part of me, and I can’t believe a month went by so quickly, but felt like a whole different life. How does that happen? A part of my heart will always belong at NPS, even if it isn’t around anymore.

A true Maasai.

4 July 2010

Happy Birthday, America! In the past week I’ve become a true Maasai. A mama and a warrior. I “know” how to make shoes out of tires and how to make a traditional Maasai bracelet. The Mamas came and taught us how to bead, and I love it. I made a bracelet and an anklet that I really love. Daniel even said they were amazing J Daniel brought us the spears and swords he promised us and we learned how to throw them. It was a lot like javelin, but harder to throw. My first throw wasn’t very good, but by the end Daniel said I had an A+. I actually really enjoyed the spear throwing and kept throwing, but my arm grew quite sore. And today, today I watched the dissection and cooking of a goat. We had most of the community around NPS over for a 4th of July goat roast, and it was SO much fun. The girls that did Brenna and my hair when we went to milk cows were here and they did our hair again. The older girl LOVED Brenna so much that she told her mom that Brenna was her best friend. Her mom gave Brenna a bracelet :) Brenna is very well liked here, and as she should be. She’s a really special girl. I really enjoyed hanging out with the staff today, especially Daniel and Francis. Okello came over to the fire as well, and he may be the funniest man I’ve ever met. He was really chatty tonight and he said it was cause he was hyper because they just shaved his head-making him like a new born baby. He also told us that eating goat testicles was the best medicine to give you twin. I about died. Man, we leave in like 36 hours, and it makes me terribly sad. Terribly, terribly sad.

Yesterday was quite a lot of fun as well. We went to this place called Kitengela Glass. It was indescribable. The only way to describe is with pictures. It was a combination of a glass blowing place/alice and wonderland come to life/fair/craziest thing I’ve ever seen. I walked around with Daniel and Francis and took pictures with them. It was such a blast. After we went to the Ostrich Farm. Ostriches are ridiculous. Absolutely insane animals. And we had a chance to ride them, but Jay, Brenna, and I decided to just sit back, have a drink, eat some Ostrich burgers and relax. It was the best ever. We haven’t had a lot of time just the three of us like old times, and it was so much fun to just be with the two of them again. I can’t believe how much I’m going to miss this place. It makes me ache a little bit just to think of it. Everyone is so happy tonight, we’re all just like a huge family and it makes me so happy. I’m really excited to see my parents, but really sad to say goodbye. This place changed my life. I’m actually a little afraid of going back to America.

bro-nies.

28 June 2010

So today we made brownies. Finally. And brownies don’t exist in Kenya so in return for all the wonderful culture the Maasai have shown us…we introduced them to brownies (which Kiringe called “bro-nies”). Nickson and Moses loved them. When we asked Kiringe if he liked them he said “No way” but that’s nothing compared to Shem’s response. First it took us a lot A LOT of convincing to get him to even try it. He said “I’m going to need a lot of support.” So we cheered him on and he put the piece of brownie in his mouth and his eyes got huge and he tried to chew. He kept saying it was stuck. Then we asked him if he liked it and he said “It’s still not gone.” It was quite an experience. I am going to miss the staff…SO much. Especially Daniel. But he might drive mom, dad and I to Amboseli and back. That would be amazing. Gah, only 8 days left. Makes me want to cry.

“Amen” is the same in every language.

27 June 2010

Today was our one and only “rest day” so I slept in until 9am (THREE HOURS OF SLEEPING IN!) and went to a local Maasai Presbyterian Church with some of my classmates, Nickson and Charles. I didn’t understand 99% of what was said but I did understand the love for Jesus that was filling that room. “Welcome visitors, we want you to remember that you are in the house of your Father.” That nearly brought tears to my eyes. It was such a joy to see people who live all the way across the world as me worship the same God, be touched by the same Lord, to be saved by the same Jesus. Even though the whole service was in Swahili, I definitely felt the presence of God in that room.After church two Maasai men came to our camp and taught us how to make shoes out of tires. It was really amazing. I really appreciate our opportunity to interact with the Maasai and learn about how they relate to the earth. It has really opened my eyes to the value of different perspectives. Their culture is so very different, especially in regards to gender roles, and it has shown me that different doesn’t mean better or worse. I will always be so thankful to Daniel, Nickson, Moses, Charles, and the Iscari for showing me their world.

Driving Home

26 June 2010

We left Lake Nakuru at 8am this morning and said goodbye to the mosquitoes. I had every intention of sleeping or reading my book during the drive back but instead I stuck in my iPod and started playing my favorite playlist. As I was bobbing my head to some pretty sick jams (no, I don’t actually talk like that…often) this wave of joy and appreciation washed over me. I spent the whole drive back reflecting on what I’ve seen, done, heard, smelt, tasted, etc. I love everything about Kenya: the people, the animals, and the landscapes. Amazing. It breaks my heart a little bit to imagine that in less than two weeks our program is over. I can’t bear to think about saying good bye to the staff!

Hiking to Hell.

24 June 2010

Today was a day we all needed badly. We got away from the mosquitoes of Lake Nakuru for the day and went to Lake Naivasha (briefly) and Hell’s Gate National Park. Hell’s Gate was gorgeous. It was bizarre because there’s a lot of geothermal activity there that has been tapped as an energy source, but that means there’s some construction and piping and a powerplant in the middle of the park. But despite that, the landscape was excellent. Especially the gorge. We had a chance to hike down into the gorge, and it was a pretty intense hike. I’ve been getting these headaches lately so I was a bit nervous about the hike, but it was so amazing and really lifted everyone’s spirits significantly. It was intense but beautiful. Is it even fair that I have gotten to see so much beauty here? It was really sweet to be surrounded by people that appreciated the hike too. I have been absolutely surrounded by the beauty of God’s creation-through landscapes, wildlife, and above all his people.

Hunting Lions. World Cup.

22 June 2010...again.

Today literally the coolest thing I have ever seen (and probably will ever see) happened. I watched 9 lions hunt. There is no way to explain how amazing it was. My heart was racing, arms shaking. It was phenomenal. It started to rain and it was quite cold but that didn’t deter us from observing intently. They didn’t succeed in their first kill so they regrouped. It looked like they had a little meeting to discuss what went wrong. Then they started moving across this huge grass field to try again. We must have watched them for almost 2 hours in the on and off rain. But it was an experience I’ll never ever forget.

Ironically, again, I’m in a foreign country during the World Cup. It’s cool to experience it in different settings. It’s particularly awesome because this is the first time the World Cup has been on African soil and I’m in Africa. It’s really special and means so much to the people here, and I’m so happy I get to be a part of it. And I’ve actually been paying attention! Go Ghana!

Bathroom/Shower (slash gas chamber!)

22 June 2010

We have arrived at Nakuru National Park, and our welcome party? Mosquitoes. It’s ridiculous. There are so many that you can hear their collective high pitched buzz from their wings. It’s quite unsettling.

This camp, despite being located in the middle of one of the most beautiful places on earth, is the perfect setting for a horror movie. I can see it now…the killer being the wildlife and particularly the mosquitoes, one by one students are killed on their way to a bathroom that can only be described as resembling a Holocaust gas chamber. The whole setting is really quite terrifying. Fortunately, we won’t be actually in camp all that long-game drives are our salvation. Oh and did I mention the baboons? They fought Kaleigh to get into the girls dorm and stole Kimaya’s shoes. They are bold…and scary. Lord save me.

But, on a less terrifying note, Jay, Brenna, and I saw a black rhino today…close up! It was amazing. Picture black rhino on the shore of Lake Nakuru, gazillions of flamingoes in the background as the sun rises over the mountain. Gorgeous. The park really is beautiful. The campsite may kill us all.

One of the Maasai.

19 June 2010

Today Elise and I were paired together to spend the morning as one of the maasai. I was really thankful to be paired with her knowing I wouldn’t be paired with Brenna and fearing the clash of some of my classmates’ personalities with my own. But Elise and I are solid.

Our objective was to spend the morning with a Mama and learn what they do every day and their culture. Our first task upon arrival was to drink chai…it was rough (not). Then we did the dishes. It was pretty much exactly like doing dishes at camp, but there was a bed in this “kitchen”. This room had a mini generator, a hot plate, a shelf, lots of dishes, and a bed. It wasn’t really what you would call a kitchen. Elise and I sat on the bed doing the dishes and sharing our lives with each other a little. Turns out there are some parallels in our romantic lives. Next we swept the main room. Their brooms are more bristle and less handle. Elise and I were not very good at it…and we were laughed at. I suppose that is part of the process though. Next onto cooking. That was done in a completely separate unit unattached to the main house. It was quite cool though. We cooked over firewood and sat on benches. That is, until I couldn’t handle the smoke anymore and had to excuse myself. My eyes were burning pretty badly (and still are a little to be honest). We cooked ungali (made of cornflower…delicious) and made more chai (also delicious). Then we went back into the house where we were informed that our chores were over. We still had over an hour to stay there…what on earth were we going to do? There was a pretty significant language barrier too, so talking wasn’t really an appealing option. So they turned on the tv (using what looked like a car battery on the shelf below the tv) and watched a very dramatic, very poorly acted Kenyan movie (or soap opera, hard to tell). Needless to say we were enthralled by this. I was a little sad when it was over actually, especially since I was confused (the “background music” was really foreground music meaning we could barely hear the dialogue). Then Francis (one of the local guys who works for SFS) dropped off some cabbage. Elise and I were relieved to have another task-cutting and cooking the cabbage. After that we ate what we made. I was not at all expecting to like the cabbage but I LOVED it. I hope I remember how to make it later. And then we left. Nothing particularly thrilling.

I did make some observations though. Dogs do not receive much affection from many of the maasai families that own them (if any), smoke does not bother the eyes of the women here (even the youngest ones), you can make the most modest of homes feel homey with the right wall decorations (and if you’re Kenyan then a calendar and a wall clock are staples of said wall decorations), Kenyan children are adorable-and very shy, I am spoiled. I really did enjoy my time there.

Getting back to camp I was in a bit of a funk. It’s hard to explain but instead of talking (which is often one of my favorite activities) all I wanted to do was listen. I sorta wanted to be invisible so I could just step away from being the “life of the party” and just observe people-without drawing attention for being quiet. That’s my curse (brought upon myself), because I’m so social the second I don’t want to be and I just want to fade into the background I remain in the forefront because people wonder why I’m not chatty. Sigh…

My funk, however, was lifted when we visited a local preschool. I am designed to be a mother I know it. One little girl and I clicked in a big way and spent the majority of the afternoon playing. She is quite ticklish and has a beautiful laugh. Every time she’d enter a giggle fit I too started giggling. It was the best therapy ever. I look at these children here and I am so happy. The kids here, by the way, are incredibly friendly once they aren’t so shy. They especially love to run out to the road to wave to us as we drive by. All over Nairobi this is true :)

Today was full of ups and downs, highs and lows, but yet again I am ridiculously happy to be here.

Untitled.

18 June 2010

These days I spend the majority of my time (while at camp) in the library. Which is ironic considering how little time I ever spent in the library at WSU. I mean, I think I studied there once and that was only because Andy went to the library to write a paper and I tagged along. Oh and then the couple of times Kevin, Ashley, and I used the study rooms during our break between classes.

Today I did some hand washing. I am not a huge fan of handwashing ma undies, but you do what you gotta do.

Presentation happened today. Other than that, I’ve lived in the library…as previously mentioned.

Twix, Panty hose, and Dr. Rector vindicated.

17 June 2010

Twix-a staple here. Especially if your name is Jay Ballard. I am not even close to kidding. Everyone here practically lives on Twix, and I can almost guarantee you that none of us eat that many twix in the states. My theory: We are all so devoid of familiar foods that we latch onto this one thing. My craving for chocolate has never been this intense nor this persistent.

Yesterday we had the wonderful opportunity to go to a Maasai boma and milk cows. Doesn’t sound that exciting, but oh boy was it. First we arrive (Brenna, Jay, Kara, Kayleigh, and myself) at this boma and let me tell you…not a single cow around. Confused. So we wait around and then we hear this god awful belching noise which turns out belonged to a recently pregnant sheep (NOT goat) who is cleaning her newly born lamb. (What’s the baby name for a sheep? Is it kid like a goat? Yeah…*ten minutes later* OH IT’S A LAMB!) It was not yet able to stand and we stood there entranced with the miracle of life for some time. Then…the kids came home. They thought we looked funny. Didn’t understand my braces nor Brenna’s blonde hair. Then we sat on benches to wait for the cows to come home. As we waited two of the young girls came out to talk to us. One thing led to another and all of a sudden we were swarmed by children playing with our hair and using our cameras. It was a whirlwind. Though I have to admit once I put my camera away I loved every minute of it. I so love kids! (I want to bring one home). Then the cows came home.

Here’s where the story gets really interesting. In order to milk the cows us ladies had to wear a head scarf because they lean their heads against the cow when milking. So they wrapped a scarf around my head (with my hair now completely crazy thanks to the little girl I was currently holding in my arms), wrapped Kara’s head and then…uh oh…they were out of head scarves. So I’m walking to the Land Cruiser to drop off my coat and I must have missed something because when I return the Mama was putting panty hose on Brenna’s head. PANTY HOSE! It may have been the single funniest sight I have ever seen. Brenna pulled it off though. I think the icing on the cake was that magically they had another head scarf to give Kayleigh. Poor Brenna, poor weird-ass gangster looking Brenna.

We then proceeded to milk the cows. I quite enjoyed it, minus the cow poop everywhere. Though I had to compete with a calf for a teat…wasn’t expecting that. Terrifying. But all in all, I think we had the best experience.

So today I have been making an academic poster to present my “research” done at Nairobi National Park. We also have two scientific papers due on Sunday. As much as it pains me to say this, I am far more prepared for this sort of work due to Dr. Dave Rector. Damn. Neuro 430 actually served a purpose through all that really hard work. This school aspect of our trip is really starting to pile up.

Still love Kenya.

Chasing Lynos. Kissing Giraffes.

13 June 2010

Let me explain the “Lyno” thing. So yesterday we went on our first “game drive” (where we drive around Nairobi National Park and write down every large mammal we see, where we see it/them, how many, and what he/she/they’re doing…exhausting but interesting) and the only animals we hadn’t really seen yet were lions and rhinos. So there I am talking without thinking (per usual) and I say (loudly) “We just need to see some lynos and rhions!” and didn’t even notice I had mixed up those words until everyone on my jeep was laughing at me.

But to the real story…yesterday morning we’re in class with Kiringe, he’s lecturing about how to write a literature citation and we hear some crazy noises-monkeys and humans going crazy making insane noises. Then Kiringe keeps lecturing, we’re all getting ansy because Erica told us all about how there were lions very close to camp this morning, and FINALLY Kiringe releases us so we can hop in the jeeps and check out what’s happening. A lion was hiding in a local corn farm (which are nowhere near the size of our corn farms) and Nixxon (one of our staffers who knows EVERYONE in Kenya) was going to help. As we drive up the hill we see several of our friends armed with spears (which was awesome by the way) and Kiringe books it. I mean seriously going fast on these treacherous roads. We circle the corn field, wait it out a bit, then out runs what appears to be an adolescent male lion. We turned the car on and gunned it! I was really bummed because I didn’t see the lion run out of the cornfield, but I saw him(?) later. Beautiful. It was amazing. I finally got to see a lion in the wild! This is my life! I can’t even begin to tell you how much I wanted to cuddle with that lion.

Today was potentially one of the very best days of my life. First I went on a run with Brenna, took an amazing outdoor shower, then we went to the Elephant Orphanage. Baby elephants. BABIES! These elephants are mostly found in Amboseli National Park and Tsavo National Park because their mothers are victims of poaching or they themselves have fallen into wells and have been abandoned by their herd. The youngest one was only a few months old, and the oldest one we saw was I believe just over 2. We got to see them play, pet them, get headbutted by them, and take many many pictures of them. Our next stop: Giraffe Center. I can’t begin to explain how excited I was to see these beautiful Rosthchild giraffes. And on top of that I get to feed and pet them? What? So I started out with that, then one of the staff members asked me if I wanted a giraffe kiss. WHAT KIND OF QUESTION IS THAT?! That’s right ladies and gentlemen, I have been kissed by not one, but two giraffes! Dream come true right there. I love them. They are such SUCH beautiful animals. Graceful, ENORMOUS. One of the giraffes was not very patient, and would bite your hand when getting the food you have for him. This blog does not do justice to how I feel about today. Then we went to Kazuri beads, which is a bead making factory that employs over 300 single mothers (cool!) and they make really beautiful jewelry. I got a couple gifts there and enjoyed a white coffee with my friend Elise. Apparently white coffee is something no one outside of the PNW knows about. After that we got pizza and soft serve. I can’t tell you how much we loved getting pizza and soft serve. Kenyan food is okay, but it was really nice to have something familiar again.

Basically, the past few days have been amazing. I love living here.

Ring Wraiths. Barney Stinson. Cheers.

11 June 2010

So the one toilet here that everyone uses (because the other one won’t close/lock) sounds like a ring wraith…not joking. Every time the toilet flushes it does this screech, then the normal toilet sounds, then the ring wraith screech again. It’s weird, but in some way kind of comforting.
I am such a nerd.

Part of what we’re doing here is going into Maasai villages and interviewing mostly Maasai women (mamas) about various things relating to their lives and especially in the context of how the national park and wildlife affects them. The second person we interviewed today was a man named Stephen. I am not joking when I say he is the Maasai version of Barney Stinson (How I Met Your Mother, CBS). Not in behavior (okay a little bit) but he looks JUST like NPH. It’s ridiculous. Needless to say, I was a bit distracted in my interview.

Today we also had this amazing opportunity to go to a Maasai “Boma”, which means house, but this was a “cultural village” where tourists can arrange to “live like the Maasai…but that’s not what we did. Anyway, when we got there the mamas came out and greeted us. The women of our group would bow our head as a mama passed by and they would place their hand on our heads. Apparently when Brenna went into town today a little girl did this to her. Adorable. Then they started singing a welcome song to us as we walked into the Boma (See the video on facebook). At the end of the dance they do this thing where they kind of hop toward someone and then bump into them and that’s apparently their way of saying “Cheers!” and the head mama bumped into me! Once in there we had the opportunity to buy beautiful jewelry made by these women. The sales of this jewelry supports their families and often times they can fund their children going to school off of the money they make. They make these necklaces, bracelets, rings, earrings etc by hand and they are beautiful. I tried bartering. I was “successful” meaning I could get the price knocked down usually 50-100 ksh (.50-$1 USD) but other times they just repeated the price they originally said. I am so not made for bartering.

I so enjoyed having a chance to see how many of the locals live. Not the staff, who aren’t the typical Kenyan, but the average Maasai person. I would much rather have sat down with Eunice (my favorite interviewee), played with her baby, and asked her all about her life from birth to now! But unfortunately I had to ask fairly specific questions about her cattle and her land. Boo.
I think what I found most surprising in our interviews is that every single person said that the government is doing next to nothing (if that) to help them-they have the worst roads which are maintained by themselves, no compensation for livestock lost due to wildlife, etc-and yet they aren’t angry with the government. They just chalk it up to “that’s how it is”. There is no sense of entitlement with these people. They are appreciative to have what they have. Man could our country use a dose of that. It is so common to hear “the government should do this for me” but how entitled is that? I mean I get that it seems logical that one could rely on their government to provide for them, but at the same time we take so much and still expect more. But I look at these people, Eunice especially, and they are full of joy. More joy that I have seen in a long time. It was convicting and refreshing. Something I hope I remember and take with me.

As I settle in, I’m starting to find that I’m not as irked by people and Brenna and I are starting to have some really great chats. Erica (our SAM-Student Affairs Manager) has already offered to help me get connected with various zoos or vet jobs here!!! I’m making these wonderful connections that I NEVER expected out of this and I couldn’t be more thankful. Who knew that coming here could lead to me landing a short term vet job in a few years here in Kenya?! I would die of joy.

All in all settling in is feeling good. We’re going on our first game drive tomorrow and I cannot wait. God is good.

Walking with Giraffes

10 June 2010

This morning I took a walk with 17 giraffes. I got up at 530 am to wash my face and get ready to go on a nature hike. The rain was coming down-but the rain here is almost like a snow. I thought it was snow at first, but it wasn’t cold enough out. We gathered in the chumba and made our way to the front gate with Daniel faithfully leading us. Just before we reached the gate someone spotted a giraffe on the hill. It was barely light out and misty but still, I saw her. And she was beautiful. Then we saw another. We left the gate and saw two more. Then a younger one bringing up the rear. I couldn’t believe it, five giraffes. I haven’t even seen one very well so far and here’s five! Unfortunately I wasn’t getting any good pictures because of the lack of light. We continue to walk along our path, with the giraffes walking theirs parallel to us. As we go on more and more giraffes pop up and join this herd. At this point I’m starting to freak out with joy. We get to a bend in the trail several hundreds of meters away and we get really close. We’ve been walking alongside these giraffes for some time, and now we’re barely 50 meters away from SEVENTEEN giraffes. I am not joking, tears well up. I cannot believe my fortune. I missed the nature walk the morning before when they got close to zebras, but this was worth it to be here for this one. God is so good. I’d been asking Him to show me in some way that He is here with me. I’ve been feeling a lack of connection with my classmates, but this was His love in a BIG way. It made my day. Giraffes. In the wild. 50 meters away. Seventeen of them. Amazing. Praise the Lord.

Surge protector.

08 June 2010

I WOULD short out the power and kill the lights in the Chumba…

Okay the stupid field guide told me to bring a surge suppressor for using my laptop so I did. So I plugged the surge suppressor into my 3 to 2 prong converter which was plugged into my plug adaptor into then I plugged that contraption into the power strip and out came the loudest noise I’ve ever heard in my life, a stream of sparks and out go the lights. Dang it! This is my life.

But other than that incredible experience, Kenya is amazing. I’m in KENYA. I can’t even believe it. Here are the Kswahili words I know so far: Jambo (Welcome or you’re welcome), Chumba (the main room), banda (cabin), choo (toilet), duka (store), mzuri (good), asante (thank you), and tafadhali (please). I’m in love with the language. The people. The country. I love everything about this place. I don’t love the bugs, but I tolerate them because they’re Kenyan.
Yesterday was amazing. Today was amazing. We got here and had some orientation and free time. Unpacked our rooms. It was all a blur. We have vervets that just wander around the camp and try to steal our food. Right now they’re cute, but I can see where after awhile the bit gets old.

Pictured above: My bed with mosquito net :)

The only thing that disappoints me is that I haven’t seen much wildlife from the camp. But it’s only day two.

Today I woke up early-ish and laid in bed listening to the birds. It was beautiful and I couldn’t believe that this was my life. Then I went for a run around the perimeter of the fence. Now we’ve been warned not to wander into the tall grass because we have incredibly dangerous snakes here (black mambas, spitting cobras, etc.) and we were told that the trail went along the electric fence. So of course I listen to the latter and ignore the former. So in order to follow the fence I start running in thick, tall grass. Doesn’t take me long to realize that maybe this isn’t the trail and maybe it isn’t a good idea to proceed. I turned around and continued my run in the opposite direction. Got my foot caught in a hole and fell down, but the run was beautiful. Hard but amazing. So happy. I seriously can’t believe this is my life.

I am absolutely, 100% in love with everything about this place. Every second I’m here I that much more convinced that Africa is going to play a prominent role in my life.

travelling.

06 June 2010

I smell. My ankles are swollen. And I’m sweaty.
And I haven’t even gone on the long flight.

Long running pants were a good idea for maybe one or two flights, but I wish I would’ve worn a skirt instead. Now I know better. I don’t mean to be a negative nancy, it’s just I have 9 more hours to kill in this airport and I kinda feel like garbage. I’m not feeling well liked right now. Not that I’m annoying people, I just kinda wish I had someone that I felt more connected with. I’m being impatient I’m sure. And I wish I would have brought my converter/adapter in my carry on.

My flights weren’t so bad so far. The first two were actually lovely. I had tons of room and got to sleep. The one from Newark to London was less enjoyable because of my cranky man next to me and just general lack of space. But that’s okay, I survived it. I hope I don’t totally crash when we get there.

I opted not to go into London. I just think it’ll make me sweatier and crankier. Plus I’m going to see London on my way back in a better circumstance. I’m just really uncomfortable because of the bloating in my ankles and calves. L
I wish I didn’t feel the need to be liked.

(cont.)
Delayed 3 hours IN the plane. Surrounded by children from Dublin (okay, high school students but same difference). Plug in to watch movies broken/now working. Didn’t get any sleep on the flight. Ugh. I did not enjoy the flight to Nairobi. Good thing I was going to…NAIROBI!!!
The drive from the airport to the camp was amazing. Zebra everywhere. EVERYWHERE. The babies are the cutest. Flights may have sucked, but the drive totally made up for it. This is Africa.

kenya.

One post just wouldn't be enough. I was keeping a "blog" while I was gone with the intention of posting them when I got home, so starting today I'll be posting entries I made while abroad.

Enjoy!

goodbyes.

I'm just not good at them and I don't like them.
Maybe someday I'll perfect the "goodbye" but until then I accept the fact that I'm overly nostalgic and not a fan of upcoming change.

on the bright side: I do cope with change well once it happens.

Kenya in 6 days.

podcasts.

blessing :)

I've been having a hard time being disciplined in my quiet times this summer. I find that if I don't have a schedule I easily put off Bible time. Maybe for multiple reasons including: sloth, denial, fear, etc.

Sometimes there is so much going on in this crazy head of mine that I don't want to sit down with God because I just don't want come face to face with what's bouncing around in there. So that's the fear aspect. Kind of the denial part too.

And sloth...well that's self explanitory. I'm lazy. I so do not want to be.

So last weekend I was at church and the pastor read from 2 Timothy 1-14, and wow it was jam packed stuff, but ultimately the sermon talked about how to keep yourself on fire for God. It also gave me the idea to download some sermons in the form of podcasts onto my iPod and listen to them when I run.

Two birds. One stone.

I get a chance to connect with God while doing something good for my body. I'm trying to be better to my body-it's not easy-but turns out I like running. The podcast I listened to today was really eye opening.

I've learned that intentions and feelings and thoughts mean nothing. Action. Action is what matters. You can tell me you love me. You can tell me that you've never felt about someone the way you feel about me. You can want to be the man for me-but until you take action, risk, to be that man, to love me-it means nothing. We can have every intention of living a better life, of being an outward focused person-but again, life isn't about intention, it's about action.

Take action. Don't wish to be the person you want to be. Be him/her.
Don't take a passive role in your own life. Don't sit back and expect God to bring every blessing to you...have an interdependent relationship with the Lord, not a co-dependent one.

Take action.

psalm 77.

For the director of music. Fore Jeduthun. Of Asaph. A psalm.

1I cried out to God for help;
I cried out ot God to hear me.
2When I ws in distress, I sought the Lord;
at night I stretched out untiring hands,
and I would not be comforted.

3I rememberedyou, God, and I groaned;
I meditated, and my spirit grew faint.
4You kept my eyes from closing;
I was too troubled to speak.
5I thought about the former days,
the years of long ago;
6I remembered my songs in the night.
My heart meditated and my spirit asked:

7"Will the Lord reject forever?
Will he never show his favor again?
8Has his unfailing love vanished forever?
Has his promise failed for all time?
9Has God forgotten to be merciful?
Has he in anger withheld his compassion?"

10Then I thought, "To this I will appeal:
the years when the Most High stretchedout his right hand.
11I will remember the deeds of the Lord;
yes, I will remember your miracles of long ago.
12I will consider all your works
and meditate on all your mighty deeds."

13Your ways, God, are holy.
What god is as great as our God?
14You are the God who performs miracles;
you display your power among the peoples.
15With your mighty arm you redeemed your people,
the descendants of Jacob and Joseph.

16The waters saw you, God.
the waters saw you and writhed;
the very depths were convulsed.
17The clouds poured down water,
the heaves resounded with thunder;
your arrows flashed back and forth.
18Your thunder was heard in the whirlwind,
your lightning lit up the world;
the earth trembled and quaked.
19Your path led through the sea,
your way through the mighty waters,
though your footprints were not seen.

20You led your people like a flock
by the hand of Moses and Aaron.

wow.
Well first of all praise God for this verse and it's conviction and encouragement.

How often do I look back on the "good old days" and long for it and wonder why God took it away? Why didn't he replace it with something? (verse 5) I am humbled by this. As a response to his fear that God will never show up again, that he will abandon forever. "Will the Lord reject forever?" Sure I had a rough year, but I should look to the author for how I ought to respond to the hard times.

Praise.

"To this I will appeal: the years when the Most High stretched out his right hand. I will remember the deeds of the Lord;" (verses 10-11a). What a great idea. When I feel abandoned, frustrated, or angry at the Lord I ought to look and what he has done for me. I ought to humble myself and praise the Lord for his abundance.

This year was amazing. CRU was amazing. The people I met...the things I saw...the changes in my life. God is amazing.

a phoney.

Sometimes, for all the progress I believe I have made, I realize I still care far too much what people think of me.

imago dei.

that's what's written on my hand. everyday. You'd think that it would remind me where my worth comes from. I am an image bearer of God, simple as that. But today as I was doing laundry it occured to me that I still care so much about being seen as "the nice one". Growing up I've been told that I'm "abrasive" and that I come on too strong. Too much. I'm simply just too much. I care too much about people. I give too much of myself in my friendships. I am too much in relationships. I'm hard to handle. And you know what? Everyone, I heard you. What you said, I heard it. And now it's written on my heart like a curse. It's a curse I carry around. When will I realize that I am never too much for Jesus? And quite frankly, that is all that matters.

Never will Jesus look at me and say "You know what? I just don't think I can do this anymore. You are just coming on a little too strong, and you're just too much to handle, so sorry, but I'm out." Jesus will never abandon me. Why isn't that enough? Why can't my weakness be banished and I can finally understand with my head AND my heart that the only opinion that matters is God's?

I don't think I'm too much, but there is a voice in my head constantly telling me I am. Because of this I'm afraid to be in a relationship again. I didn't stick up for myself in the last one, and Praise God he broke up with me, because I'm afraid I wouldn't have done it myself. I'm so afraid that I'll never fight for myself and what if I end up married to some man that doesn't value me? That doesn't adore me? I pray that God closes the door on any possible relationship until I know my worth in Christ and I know how to stand up for myself in a relationship. I don't care how long it takes, I don't want a relationship that has anything less that adoration and Christ at the center.

I know what I deserve. I just need to fight for it. Jesus died to save me, because I am worth it. Now it's about time I stopped taking for granted that sacrifice.

On another note, Mom's weekend was this weekend and I already miss my mom a ton. She's such a beautiful woman. I truly adore her.

Here's to being a Jesus pleaser...and not a people pleaser!

In Christ--

seizure.

God is overwhelmingly good.

9 days ago I had a fainting/seizure episode at the end of my intensely stressful neurophysiology lab. Don't be alarmed, I went to the hospital, got checked out, and am perfectly fine. Diagnosis: Too much stress, not enough sleep.

Yeah...okay. I'm in college, of course I don't sleep enough and feel stressed. But I didn't realize how apparently stressed I was. So God, who in hindsight has been BEGGING me to slow down, intervened. So I went home that weekend and took some down time and enjoyed my best friend and my family. Coming back to Pullman was dreadful.

You see, I have been running away from a very real pain in my life for about four months, denying that this pain exists, claiming to be strong and above this "minor speed bump in life". I hid in my frustration and anger for four months. But over the last two weeks or so, God has been asking me to acknowledge this pain, to feel it, and to allow Him to heal me. So slowly I've been getting there. I've been praying for the courage to face the pain and let the tears come. Because quite frankly, if I don't admit I'm broken, how can Jesus heal me? I know, seems simple, but I ignored this reality for a LONG time. So anyway, coming back to Pullman, where the pain exists, was on the bottom of my to-do list.

When I got back I went outside with my prayer journal and my Bible and just had some quiet time with God. (I LOVE having quiet time outside in His creation!). And I opened my Bible and saw something about "rest". Hebrews 4:9-11 we hear about the Sabbath. God calls us to take Sabbath and devote a day to Him. Give up the business of school, the pressure to perform, and commune with God for a whole day. Go for a walk in His creation. Sleep. Cry. Pray, do whatever God asks of you. Now, was God asking me to take a Sabbath?

This whole week God has been breaking me down. Answering my prayer, giving me an opportunity to allow myself to feel. And that's what I've been doing. It kinda sucks. I feel anxiety, fear, sadness, etc. So one day I was having a bit of a sad episode, and I began to talk out loud to God. I began listing all the things I'm afraid of. Confessing my fears to God. Then I opened my Bible and the page I opened to was John chapter 14. The first passage I read was John 14:1-4

"'Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God, trust also in me. My Father's house has plenty of room; if that were not so, would I have told you that I am going there to prepare a place for you? And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am. You know the way to the place where I am going.'"

Wow. What a promise Jesus makes to us there. Right after I list all the things I am afraid of the next verse that drew my eye was John 14:27

"'Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.'"

I am floored. God spoke to me directly. I listed all my fears and THIS is what He responds with. If that doesn't give you chills, what will? God is amazing.

However, despite this beautiful promise, I remain fearful. My heart remains afraid of feeling. But I know that God is asking me to leap. To give this up to Him, to stop running from the pain and face it...with Him.

Yesterday was the most beautiful day I've experienced in a VERY long time. Not only the weather, but just God. I took a stroll down to Daily Grind and sat out in the sun reading my text book. It was the perfect weather, sunny, beautiful, warm but not hot. It was a beautiful walk. I rejoiced in it greatly. What a gift. I know that yesterday was Jesus romancing my heart. Thank you, Jesus. It was such a blessing.

Today, I'm taking a Sabbath. I prayed all week about it, and God said "YES! FOR CRYING OUT LOUD TAKE A SABBATH!!!!" So that is what today is. It is glorious. I've lazed around. I'm about to head out on a walk with my camera and just enjoy the day God has created. But earlier I had some quiet time and read from Captivating. I am just so overwhelmed by how much God loves me. (And you.) That there is a place in HIS heart that only I can fill. What?? That is amazing. God is amazing. I have had a really tough week emotionally. I mean really rough. But through that I am leaning on God and glorifying Him in my weakness. How can I not be thankful for that?

Never will He abandon me. This week surely has been evidence of that.
I am overwhelmed with joy. I am sad sure, but so joyful for that. I rejoice in the Lord longing to be the one to whom I turn. He begs me to let Him hold me. I can't not rejoice in the opportunity for that. :)

Michelle Kwan

Michelle Kwan has always been a bit of a hero to me.
And I'm not entirely sure I have a really insightful reason as to why, but it's true.

I remember in, gosh it must have been 1998, first being introduced to Michelle Kwan. I loved her. She was the silver medalist, falling short of Tara Lapinski, but in my 9 year old heart she was the most graceful, beautiful, talented young woman I'd ever seen. Me and my friends would fight over who was the better skater and person, and I was undyingly loyal to Miss Kwan. I don't know what other schools did, but we always had "book orders" (which is probably where my obsessin with books began...but that is a whole different story) and I remember being so excited to order a book all about Michelle Kwan. To this day I wonder what exactly it was about her that appealed to me so much. In fact (I'm a little embarassed to admit this) but I was so invested in her that when she only received the bronze medal in the 2002 Olympics I was quite upset. Some might say devastated. (okay...I cried.) I wonder what she is doing now.

It wasn't until tonight I even really thought much about her again. With the Olympics going on I had thougth about the "good ol' days" with Michelle Kwan, but tonight as I busted my butt on the elliptical at the REC and watched women's figure skating I really remembered Ms. Kwan. I watched these wonderfully graceful women performing absolutely beautifully. These young women that I no longer watched with girlish idolization, but more with a big sister's pride. When did that happen? When did I get older than these Olympians? Wow, time certainly flies. But 12 years later I'm still in love with this beautiful sport. I felt so silly, on the elliptical, smiling like a fool everytime one of those girls landed a difficult jump. But I was so happy for them.

What is it about women's figure skating that has me in such awe? I think this sport is the essence of femininity. It requires grace, patience, immense strength, and is so beautiful. All aspects of women the way we were created to be. It has come to my attention that women are truly amazing creations of God. Which is why it is so hard to understand why so many of us (myself included) turn to worldly things for affirmation or comfort. If the Lord created us to be the most wonderful and beautiful creatures on earth, more beautiful than any mountain, ocean, or sunset, then why do women so often forget that? We turn to food, compulsive exercise, success, or relationships (etc) to find fulfillment. But if you truly sit back and observe women-we are striking. Where else can you find such a wonderful, powerful balance of beauty and strength? God does not make mistakes, He created women with a very important purpose, and he done good :)

I think I want to minister to high school and college aged women for the rest of my life, alongside my work as a veterinarian. I want these young women to understand their inherent beauty.

Thank you Michelle Kwan for being a hero to me growing up, for being such a beautiful example of the essence of womanhood, and for causing me to fall in love with women's figure skating.