God is overwhelmingly good.
9 days ago I had a fainting/seizure episode at the end of my intensely stressful neurophysiology lab. Don't be alarmed, I went to the hospital, got checked out, and am perfectly fine. Diagnosis: Too much stress, not enough sleep.
Yeah...okay. I'm in college, of course I don't sleep enough and feel stressed. But I didn't realize how apparently stressed I was. So God, who in hindsight has been BEGGING me to slow down, intervened. So I went home that weekend and took some down time and enjoyed my best friend and my family. Coming back to Pullman was dreadful.
You see, I have been running away from a very real pain in my life for about four months, denying that this pain exists, claiming to be strong and above this "minor speed bump in life". I hid in my frustration and anger for four months. But over the last two weeks or so, God has been asking me to acknowledge this pain, to feel it, and to allow Him to heal me. So slowly I've been getting there. I've been praying for the courage to face the pain and let the tears come. Because quite frankly, if I don't admit I'm broken, how can Jesus heal me? I know, seems simple, but I ignored this reality for a LONG time. So anyway, coming back to Pullman, where the pain exists, was on the bottom of my to-do list.
When I got back I went outside with my prayer journal and my Bible and just had some quiet time with God. (I LOVE having quiet time outside in His creation!). And I opened my Bible and saw something about "rest". Hebrews 4:9-11 we hear about the Sabbath. God calls us to take Sabbath and devote a day to Him. Give up the business of school, the pressure to perform, and commune with God for a whole day. Go for a walk in His creation. Sleep. Cry. Pray, do whatever God asks of you. Now, was God asking me to take a Sabbath?
This whole week God has been breaking me down. Answering my prayer, giving me an opportunity to allow myself to feel. And that's what I've been doing. It kinda sucks. I feel anxiety, fear, sadness, etc. So one day I was having a bit of a sad episode, and I began to talk out loud to God. I began listing all the things I'm afraid of. Confessing my fears to God. Then I opened my Bible and the page I opened to was John chapter 14. The first passage I read was John 14:1-4
"'Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God, trust also in me. My Father's house has plenty of room; if that were not so, would I have told you that I am going there to prepare a place for you? And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am. You know the way to the place where I am going.'"
Wow. What a promise Jesus makes to us there. Right after I list all the things I am afraid of the next verse that drew my eye was John 14:27
"'Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.'"
I am floored. God spoke to me directly. I listed all my fears and THIS is what He responds with. If that doesn't give you chills, what will? God is amazing.
However, despite this beautiful promise, I remain fearful. My heart remains afraid of feeling. But I know that God is asking me to leap. To give this up to Him, to stop running from the pain and face it...with Him.
Yesterday was the most beautiful day I've experienced in a VERY long time. Not only the weather, but just God. I took a stroll down to Daily Grind and sat out in the sun reading my text book. It was the perfect weather, sunny, beautiful, warm but not hot. It was a beautiful walk. I rejoiced in it greatly. What a gift. I know that yesterday was Jesus romancing my heart. Thank you, Jesus. It was such a blessing.
Today, I'm taking a Sabbath. I prayed all week about it, and God said "YES! FOR CRYING OUT LOUD TAKE A SABBATH!!!!" So that is what today is. It is glorious. I've lazed around. I'm about to head out on a walk with my camera and just enjoy the day God has created. But earlier I had some quiet time and read from Captivating. I am just so overwhelmed by how much God loves me. (And you.) That there is a place in HIS heart that only I can fill. What?? That is amazing. God is amazing. I have had a really tough week emotionally. I mean really rough. But through that I am leaning on God and glorifying Him in my weakness. How can I not be thankful for that?
Never will He abandon me. This week surely has been evidence of that.
I am overwhelmed with joy. I am sad sure, but so joyful for that. I rejoice in the Lord longing to be the one to whom I turn. He begs me to let Him hold me. I can't not rejoice in the opportunity for that. :)
