Sometimes, for all the progress I believe I have made, I realize I still care far too much what people think of me.
imago dei.
that's what's written on my hand. everyday. You'd think that it would remind me where my worth comes from. I am an image bearer of God, simple as that. But today as I was doing laundry it occured to me that I still care so much about being seen as "the nice one". Growing up I've been told that I'm "abrasive" and that I come on too strong. Too much. I'm simply just too much. I care too much about people. I give too much of myself in my friendships. I am too much in relationships. I'm hard to handle. And you know what? Everyone, I heard you. What you said, I heard it. And now it's written on my heart like a curse. It's a curse I carry around. When will I realize that I am never too much for Jesus? And quite frankly, that is all that matters.
Never will Jesus look at me and say "You know what? I just don't think I can do this anymore. You are just coming on a little too strong, and you're just too much to handle, so sorry, but I'm out." Jesus will never abandon me. Why isn't that enough? Why can't my weakness be banished and I can finally understand with my head AND my heart that the only opinion that matters is God's?
I don't think I'm too much, but there is a voice in my head constantly telling me I am. Because of this I'm afraid to be in a relationship again. I didn't stick up for myself in the last one, and Praise God he broke up with me, because I'm afraid I wouldn't have done it myself. I'm so afraid that I'll never fight for myself and what if I end up married to some man that doesn't value me? That doesn't adore me? I pray that God closes the door on any possible relationship until I know my worth in Christ and I know how to stand up for myself in a relationship. I don't care how long it takes, I don't want a relationship that has anything less that adoration and Christ at the center.
I know what I deserve. I just need to fight for it. Jesus died to save me, because I am worth it. Now it's about time I stopped taking for granted that sacrifice.
On another note, Mom's weekend was this weekend and I already miss my mom a ton. She's such a beautiful woman. I truly adore her.
Here's to being a Jesus pleaser...and not a people pleaser!
In Christ--
