Sometimes, for all the progress I believe I have made, I realize I still care far too much what people think of me.
imago dei.
that's what's written on my hand. everyday. You'd think that it would remind me where my worth comes from. I am an image bearer of God, simple as that. But today as I was doing laundry it occured to me that I still care so much about being seen as "the nice one". Growing up I've been told that I'm "abrasive" and that I come on too strong. Too much. I'm simply just too much. I care too much about people. I give too much of myself in my friendships. I am too much in relationships. I'm hard to handle. And you know what? Everyone, I heard you. What you said, I heard it. And now it's written on my heart like a curse. It's a curse I carry around. When will I realize that I am never too much for Jesus? And quite frankly, that is all that matters.
Never will Jesus look at me and say "You know what? I just don't think I can do this anymore. You are just coming on a little too strong, and you're just too much to handle, so sorry, but I'm out." Jesus will never abandon me. Why isn't that enough? Why can't my weakness be banished and I can finally understand with my head AND my heart that the only opinion that matters is God's?
I don't think I'm too much, but there is a voice in my head constantly telling me I am. Because of this I'm afraid to be in a relationship again. I didn't stick up for myself in the last one, and Praise God he broke up with me, because I'm afraid I wouldn't have done it myself. I'm so afraid that I'll never fight for myself and what if I end up married to some man that doesn't value me? That doesn't adore me? I pray that God closes the door on any possible relationship until I know my worth in Christ and I know how to stand up for myself in a relationship. I don't care how long it takes, I don't want a relationship that has anything less that adoration and Christ at the center.
I know what I deserve. I just need to fight for it. Jesus died to save me, because I am worth it. Now it's about time I stopped taking for granted that sacrifice.
On another note, Mom's weekend was this weekend and I already miss my mom a ton. She's such a beautiful woman. I truly adore her.
Here's to being a Jesus pleaser...and not a people pleaser!
In Christ--
Sunday, April 11, 2010
Sunday, March 7, 2010
seizure.
God is overwhelmingly good.
9 days ago I had a fainting/seizure episode at the end of my intensely stressful neurophysiology lab. Don't be alarmed, I went to the hospital, got checked out, and am perfectly fine. Diagnosis: Too much stress, not enough sleep.
Yeah...okay. I'm in college, of course I don't sleep enough and feel stressed. But I didn't realize how apparently stressed I was. So God, who in hindsight has been BEGGING me to slow down, intervened. So I went home that weekend and took some down time and enjoyed my best friend and my family. Coming back to Pullman was dreadful.
You see, I have been running away from a very real pain in my life for about four months, denying that this pain exists, claiming to be strong and above this "minor speed bump in life". I hid in my frustration and anger for four months. But over the last two weeks or so, God has been asking me to acknowledge this pain, to feel it, and to allow Him to heal me. So slowly I've been getting there. I've been praying for the courage to face the pain and let the tears come. Because quite frankly, if I don't admit I'm broken, how can Jesus heal me? I know, seems simple, but I ignored this reality for a LONG time. So anyway, coming back to Pullman, where the pain exists, was on the bottom of my to-do list.
When I got back I went outside with my prayer journal and my Bible and just had some quiet time with God. (I LOVE having quiet time outside in His creation!). And I opened my Bible and saw something about "rest". Hebrews 4:9-11 we hear about the Sabbath. God calls us to take Sabbath and devote a day to Him. Give up the business of school, the pressure to perform, and commune with God for a whole day. Go for a walk in His creation. Sleep. Cry. Pray, do whatever God asks of you. Now, was God asking me to take a Sabbath?
This whole week God has been breaking me down. Answering my prayer, giving me an opportunity to allow myself to feel. And that's what I've been doing. It kinda sucks. I feel anxiety, fear, sadness, etc. So one day I was having a bit of a sad episode, and I began to talk out loud to God. I began listing all the things I'm afraid of. Confessing my fears to God. Then I opened my Bible and the page I opened to was John chapter 14. The first passage I read was John 14:1-4
"'Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God, trust also in me. My Father's house has plenty of room; if that were not so, would I have told you that I am going there to prepare a place for you? And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am. You know the way to the place where I am going.'"
Wow. What a promise Jesus makes to us there. Right after I list all the things I am afraid of the next verse that drew my eye was John 14:27
"'Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.'"
I am floored. God spoke to me directly. I listed all my fears and THIS is what He responds with. If that doesn't give you chills, what will? God is amazing.
However, despite this beautiful promise, I remain fearful. My heart remains afraid of feeling. But I know that God is asking me to leap. To give this up to Him, to stop running from the pain and face it...with Him.
Yesterday was the most beautiful day I've experienced in a VERY long time. Not only the weather, but just God. I took a stroll down to Daily Grind and sat out in the sun reading my text book. It was the perfect weather, sunny, beautiful, warm but not hot. It was a beautiful walk. I rejoiced in it greatly. What a gift. I know that yesterday was Jesus romancing my heart. Thank you, Jesus. It was such a blessing.
Today, I'm taking a Sabbath. I prayed all week about it, and God said "YES! FOR CRYING OUT LOUD TAKE A SABBATH!!!!" So that is what today is. It is glorious. I've lazed around. I'm about to head out on a walk with my camera and just enjoy the day God has created. But earlier I had some quiet time and read from Captivating. I am just so overwhelmed by how much God loves me. (And you.) That there is a place in HIS heart that only I can fill. What?? That is amazing. God is amazing. I have had a really tough week emotionally. I mean really rough. But through that I am leaning on God and glorifying Him in my weakness. How can I not be thankful for that?
Never will He abandon me. This week surely has been evidence of that.
I am overwhelmed with joy. I am sad sure, but so joyful for that. I rejoice in the Lord longing to be the one to whom I turn. He begs me to let Him hold me. I can't not rejoice in the opportunity for that. :)
9 days ago I had a fainting/seizure episode at the end of my intensely stressful neurophysiology lab. Don't be alarmed, I went to the hospital, got checked out, and am perfectly fine. Diagnosis: Too much stress, not enough sleep.
Yeah...okay. I'm in college, of course I don't sleep enough and feel stressed. But I didn't realize how apparently stressed I was. So God, who in hindsight has been BEGGING me to slow down, intervened. So I went home that weekend and took some down time and enjoyed my best friend and my family. Coming back to Pullman was dreadful.
You see, I have been running away from a very real pain in my life for about four months, denying that this pain exists, claiming to be strong and above this "minor speed bump in life". I hid in my frustration and anger for four months. But over the last two weeks or so, God has been asking me to acknowledge this pain, to feel it, and to allow Him to heal me. So slowly I've been getting there. I've been praying for the courage to face the pain and let the tears come. Because quite frankly, if I don't admit I'm broken, how can Jesus heal me? I know, seems simple, but I ignored this reality for a LONG time. So anyway, coming back to Pullman, where the pain exists, was on the bottom of my to-do list.
When I got back I went outside with my prayer journal and my Bible and just had some quiet time with God. (I LOVE having quiet time outside in His creation!). And I opened my Bible and saw something about "rest". Hebrews 4:9-11 we hear about the Sabbath. God calls us to take Sabbath and devote a day to Him. Give up the business of school, the pressure to perform, and commune with God for a whole day. Go for a walk in His creation. Sleep. Cry. Pray, do whatever God asks of you. Now, was God asking me to take a Sabbath?
This whole week God has been breaking me down. Answering my prayer, giving me an opportunity to allow myself to feel. And that's what I've been doing. It kinda sucks. I feel anxiety, fear, sadness, etc. So one day I was having a bit of a sad episode, and I began to talk out loud to God. I began listing all the things I'm afraid of. Confessing my fears to God. Then I opened my Bible and the page I opened to was John chapter 14. The first passage I read was John 14:1-4
"'Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God, trust also in me. My Father's house has plenty of room; if that were not so, would I have told you that I am going there to prepare a place for you? And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am. You know the way to the place where I am going.'"
Wow. What a promise Jesus makes to us there. Right after I list all the things I am afraid of the next verse that drew my eye was John 14:27
"'Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.'"
I am floored. God spoke to me directly. I listed all my fears and THIS is what He responds with. If that doesn't give you chills, what will? God is amazing.
However, despite this beautiful promise, I remain fearful. My heart remains afraid of feeling. But I know that God is asking me to leap. To give this up to Him, to stop running from the pain and face it...with Him.
Yesterday was the most beautiful day I've experienced in a VERY long time. Not only the weather, but just God. I took a stroll down to Daily Grind and sat out in the sun reading my text book. It was the perfect weather, sunny, beautiful, warm but not hot. It was a beautiful walk. I rejoiced in it greatly. What a gift. I know that yesterday was Jesus romancing my heart. Thank you, Jesus. It was such a blessing.
Today, I'm taking a Sabbath. I prayed all week about it, and God said "YES! FOR CRYING OUT LOUD TAKE A SABBATH!!!!" So that is what today is. It is glorious. I've lazed around. I'm about to head out on a walk with my camera and just enjoy the day God has created. But earlier I had some quiet time and read from Captivating. I am just so overwhelmed by how much God loves me. (And you.) That there is a place in HIS heart that only I can fill. What?? That is amazing. God is amazing. I have had a really tough week emotionally. I mean really rough. But through that I am leaning on God and glorifying Him in my weakness. How can I not be thankful for that?
Never will He abandon me. This week surely has been evidence of that.
I am overwhelmed with joy. I am sad sure, but so joyful for that. I rejoice in the Lord longing to be the one to whom I turn. He begs me to let Him hold me. I can't not rejoice in the opportunity for that. :)
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Michelle Kwan
Michelle Kwan has always been a bit of a hero to me.
And I'm not entirely sure I have a really insightful reason as to why, but it's true.
I remember in, gosh it must have been 1998, first being introduced to Michelle Kwan. I loved her. She was the silver medalist, falling short of Tara Lapinski, but in my 9 year old heart she was the most graceful, beautiful, talented young woman I'd ever seen. Me and my friends would fight over who was the better skater and person, and I was undyingly loyal to Miss Kwan. I don't know what other schools did, but we always had "book orders" (which is probably where my obsessin with books began...but that is a whole different story) and I remember being so excited to order a book all about Michelle Kwan. To this day I wonder what exactly it was about her that appealed to me so much. In fact (I'm a little embarassed to admit this) but I was so invested in her that when she only received the bronze medal in the 2002 Olympics I was quite upset. Some might say devastated. (okay...I cried.) I wonder what she is doing now.
It wasn't until tonight I even really thought much about her again. With the Olympics going on I had thougth about the "good ol' days" with Michelle Kwan, but tonight as I busted my butt on the elliptical at the REC and watched women's figure skating I really remembered Ms. Kwan. I watched these wonderfully graceful women performing absolutely beautifully. These young women that I no longer watched with girlish idolization, but more with a big sister's pride. When did that happen? When did I get older than these Olympians? Wow, time certainly flies. But 12 years later I'm still in love with this beautiful sport. I felt so silly, on the elliptical, smiling like a fool everytime one of those girls landed a difficult jump. But I was so happy for them.
What is it about women's figure skating that has me in such awe? I think this sport is the essence of femininity. It requires grace, patience, immense strength, and is so beautiful. All aspects of women the way we were created to be. It has come to my attention that women are truly amazing creations of God. Which is why it is so hard to understand why so many of us (myself included) turn to worldly things for affirmation or comfort. If the Lord created us to be the most wonderful and beautiful creatures on earth, more beautiful than any mountain, ocean, or sunset, then why do women so often forget that? We turn to food, compulsive exercise, success, or relationships (etc) to find fulfillment. But if you truly sit back and observe women-we are striking. Where else can you find such a wonderful, powerful balance of beauty and strength? God does not make mistakes, He created women with a very important purpose, and he done good :)
I think I want to minister to high school and college aged women for the rest of my life, alongside my work as a veterinarian. I want these young women to understand their inherent beauty.
Thank you Michelle Kwan for being a hero to me growing up, for being such a beautiful example of the essence of womanhood, and for causing me to fall in love with women's figure skating.
And I'm not entirely sure I have a really insightful reason as to why, but it's true.
I remember in, gosh it must have been 1998, first being introduced to Michelle Kwan. I loved her. She was the silver medalist, falling short of Tara Lapinski, but in my 9 year old heart she was the most graceful, beautiful, talented young woman I'd ever seen. Me and my friends would fight over who was the better skater and person, and I was undyingly loyal to Miss Kwan. I don't know what other schools did, but we always had "book orders" (which is probably where my obsessin with books began...but that is a whole different story) and I remember being so excited to order a book all about Michelle Kwan. To this day I wonder what exactly it was about her that appealed to me so much. In fact (I'm a little embarassed to admit this) but I was so invested in her that when she only received the bronze medal in the 2002 Olympics I was quite upset. Some might say devastated. (okay...I cried.) I wonder what she is doing now.
It wasn't until tonight I even really thought much about her again. With the Olympics going on I had thougth about the "good ol' days" with Michelle Kwan, but tonight as I busted my butt on the elliptical at the REC and watched women's figure skating I really remembered Ms. Kwan. I watched these wonderfully graceful women performing absolutely beautifully. These young women that I no longer watched with girlish idolization, but more with a big sister's pride. When did that happen? When did I get older than these Olympians? Wow, time certainly flies. But 12 years later I'm still in love with this beautiful sport. I felt so silly, on the elliptical, smiling like a fool everytime one of those girls landed a difficult jump. But I was so happy for them.
What is it about women's figure skating that has me in such awe? I think this sport is the essence of femininity. It requires grace, patience, immense strength, and is so beautiful. All aspects of women the way we were created to be. It has come to my attention that women are truly amazing creations of God. Which is why it is so hard to understand why so many of us (myself included) turn to worldly things for affirmation or comfort. If the Lord created us to be the most wonderful and beautiful creatures on earth, more beautiful than any mountain, ocean, or sunset, then why do women so often forget that? We turn to food, compulsive exercise, success, or relationships (etc) to find fulfillment. But if you truly sit back and observe women-we are striking. Where else can you find such a wonderful, powerful balance of beauty and strength? God does not make mistakes, He created women with a very important purpose, and he done good :)
I think I want to minister to high school and college aged women for the rest of my life, alongside my work as a veterinarian. I want these young women to understand their inherent beauty.
Thank you Michelle Kwan for being a hero to me growing up, for being such a beautiful example of the essence of womanhood, and for causing me to fall in love with women's figure skating.
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